Turning 25

01-04-2025

TW: Mention of suicide

I turned 25 this week. My birthday falls on the death of a revolutionary, hence I was aptly named from him as such. I’m the second one in my entire family tree to have a birthday fall on such an occasion, with my uncle being the first one. 

I tend to not make a big deal as it always felt selfish to have a day centered around you. I’m not as heroic or remarkable as the man whose commemorated that day. Coincidentally, I found out a co-worker of mine share the same birthday. Usually I’d never find another one like it in real life but it reminds me I’m not the only person born on the 364th (365th on a leap year) day of a year. 

I’ve made peace that I’ll probably not reach the heights other alumni, advocates, or artists any time soon. Settling for a corporate lifestyle seemed to soothe me, if I’m being honest. The now-routine of providing for my family and partner while having a good work-life balance is an ideal thing for me. Getting to graduate school was just the cherry on top of this fulfillment ice cream. But lately, intrusive thoughts have been louder.

I can’t help but realize that days after, a lot of my aunties would ‘haunt’ me. They’re not dead but they linger like ghosts… kind of. It seemed harmless they’d make a deal about my commute i.e. using ride-hailing apps or simply using the jeep. They kept pointing out I should’ve known how to drive by now. Yes, it’s harmless but OCD is not. So, lately, I’ve been telling myself over and over that I need to get my shit together. 

Of course, it’s not OCD without the compulsion. I’ve made it a ritual to tell myself these past few days that I’m in my own timeline; that I have other priorities; and I’ll get there in time! But sometimes when people call you out unprovoked, it means there’s something that they want to let you know whether you’d like to hear it or not!

Greater heroes never became bigger by settling, I hypothesized. Rizal died at a young age being one of the biggest and most influential writer and multi-faceted individual. Of course, that’s an understatement. He launched a revolution, after all. But it’s stupid to compare myself to my sort-of namesake. 

I thought about leaving a lot again, in the same way I thought about killing myself when I was 16. I’ve been wanting to find ways to manage my finances and protect myself from any health issues and whatnot. I started reading about insurances, best credit cards, tips on getting said credit card scores a lot bigger, apartments around Manila… but it still feels empty.>

I’ve discussed how I knew I wasn’t gonna settle for a corporate job in the Philippines. Every job I’ve had here felt so mishmashed and, hence, mismanaged. I wanted to find more remote opportunities elsewhere. I always knew I was destined for bigger and better things, but a part of me like that feels silly. 

In an ideal world, I would’ve been dead by now; that I’ve made an effort before graduating high school to overdose on whatever pills I can crush. But in an ideal world, I would’ve been this big-ol’ Fortune 500 six-figure tech nerd with a penchant to curate the most obnoxious and pretentious Rateyourmusic playlist. But all of that I wished I had knew earlier if I knew I wanted better for myself. But, like the rest of the people who chastise me, who would know what is best for me if I’m okay right now?

In an ideal world, I could provide for my family. In an ideal world, I spoil my partner with whatever he wants. In an ideal world, I’m okay with projects after projects after projects. In an ideal world, I get to rebuild myself constantly. In an ideal world, I survived long enough to be 25. In an ideal world, I’ll live long enough to dare to dream and get to chase them in my own phase. And, for now, I think I’m okay with that.